A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------------------
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't
know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson
was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
--------------------
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at
school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home
--------------------
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think
of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
---------------------
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was
going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click!" ------------------------- 'What were you before you came to school, boys and girls ?' asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say 'babies.' She was disappointed when all the children cried out, 'Happy' ------------------------ 'We're going to play elephants and circuses,' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in?' 'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to do?' 'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !' ------------------------ Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ? Pupil: I did, I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !
------------------------ About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?" ------------------------ My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable." ------------------------- The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?" ------------------------- Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. 'Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being.' There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. 'That's better,' said his father. 'Now will you always come down stairs like that?' 'Suits me,' said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister.'
--------------------- Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!' Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago. -------------------- 1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days ? 2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh, what's he studying ? 2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying him! -------------------- One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said,' It's such a nice day, I think I'll take Joe to the zoo.' 'I wouldn't bother,' said father. 'If they want him, let them come and get him!' -------------------- Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears! -------------------- 'I'd like you to be very quiet today, boys and girls. I've got a dreadful headache.' 'Excuse me,' said Alec, 'why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache?' 'What's that ?' 'She sends us out to play.'
-------------------------- 'I see you've got that new boy down for the football game against Township High,' said the English teacher to the coach. 'Yes, but I'm not sure what position to play him.' 'Well, if his football's anything like his English, he's a natural drawback's -------------------------- 'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander said to his mother. 'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me.' 'Why ?' 'Firstly, you're 35 years old. Secondly, you're the principal.' -------------------------- Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon! ------------------------- A hillbilly dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just opened in a nearby village . When they arrived, he took his son to see the teacher. 'Howdy,' said the hillbilly. ' This here's my son, Arthur. Now what kind of learnin' are you teachin'? 'Oh, all the usual subjects,' said the teacher, nodding at the boy. 'Reading, writing, arithmetic.' 'What's this ?' interrupted the father. 'Arith....arith... what did you say?' 'Arithmetic, Sir,' said the teacher, 'instruction in geometry, algebra and trigonometry.' 'Trigonometry!' cried the delighted hillbilly. 'That's what my boy needs. He's the worst darn shot in the family.' ------------------------ Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth ! Pupil: What ?, and get bitten ! ------------------------ An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. 'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?' 'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !' ----------------------- Teacher: why couldn't your brother spell 'Mississippi' when I asked him this afternoon in class ? Boy: Because he didn't know if you meant the river or the state ! ----------------------- Our teacher talks to herself does yours ? Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening ! ----------------------- One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions. "Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher. "Nope. I haven't," said the dumb jock. "Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages." ------------------------ Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off. Pupil: You have my permission ! ----------------------- The principal was very proud of his school's academic record. 'It is very impressive.' said one parent who was considering sending his son there. 'How do you maintain such high standards?' 'Simple,' said the principal. 'The school motto says it all.' 'What's that?' asked the parent. 'If at first you don't succeed, you're expelled.' ------------------------ Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That's my son. Teacher: Oh ! I'm so sorry. Mother: You're sorry ? ----------------------- 'Why is your name the same as principal's ?' a new boy at school asked his teacher. 'Because he's my father !' 'Did you know that when you took the job ?' ----------------------- On her holidays, the geography teacher explained to the history teacher that she went to the Himalayas, visiting remote mountain areas. 'Infact,' she said, 'we went where the hand of man has never set foot.' ---------------------- Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing ? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening ! --------------------- A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers." -------------------- When I was you age I thought nothing of walking 5 miles to school I agree, I don't think much of it myself ! -------------------- 'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy. 'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.' --------------------- 'Why don't you like this country ?' the teacher asked a Californian boy who had come to an English school. 'It's the weather,' drawled Bud. 'I'm not used to the rain. At home we have 365 days of sunshine every year - at least.' -------------------- Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ? -------------------- Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this ? Pupil: This is my father speaking ! -------------------- Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too ! --------------------
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