General
It is just a humour section and does not relate to anyone's personal  life

It was so cold last winter,’ said the man from Minnesota, ‘that a sheep jumping from a hillock into a field froze on the way and stuck in the air like a piece of ice.’
‘Nonsense! ’ said the stranger. ‘The law of gravity wouldn’t allow that.’
‘I know, but the law of gravity was frozen too.’

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A fast train raced along the border of the biggest cattle ranch in Texas. A passenger gazed at the huge herds, and when the other boundary of the ranch was reached, he turned to the man beside him and said,
‘What a big herd of cattle! I counted 12,224 head.’
The man looked surprised. ‘Amazing! ’ he cried. ‘I’m the owner of that ranch, and I know you’re exactly right. There really are 12,224 head of cattle. How did you manage to count them when we were speeding so fast?’
‘Nothing to it. I just counted their legs and divided by four.’

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Mother: Bobby! I thought I told you not to pull the dog’s tail.
Bobby: I am not mum. I am just holding the dog’s tail. He is doing the pulling.

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A father was walking through the park pushing his young son in a pram. The kid was howling uncontrollably. Everybody turned and stared.
The father merely kept repeating very softly, ‘Take it easy, Malcolm. Take it easy. Control yourself.’
A woman approached the distressed father. ‘I must say that I admire the way you keep your temper, sir,’ she said. ‘He’s a fine-looking lad. So his name is Malcolm.’
‘Oh, no,’ corrected the father. ‘His name is Barnaby. I am Malcolm! ’

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Nitwin (to a beautiful girl): I bet you wouldn’t go out with me in a million years.
Girl: That is not true.
Nitwin: You mean you might go with me.
Girl: Sure, Call me in a million year.

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Sergeant: So you’re complaining about a little sand in your soup?
Private: Yes, Sir.
Sergeant: Did you join the army to serve your country or to complain about food.
Private: I joined the army to serve my country, not to eat it.

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Gert: I own 200 goldfish.|
Myrt: Where do you keep them?
Gert: In the bathtub.
Myrt: What do you do when you want to take a bath?
Gert: I blindfold them.

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Ed: I was born in Kentucky.
Ned: What part?
Ed: All of me.

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One day there was an earthquake that shook the entire Zen temple. Parts of it even collapsed! Many of the monks were terrified. When the earthquake stopped the teacher said, "Now you have had the opportunity to see how a Zen man behaves in a crisis situation. You may have noticed that I did not panic. I was quite aware of what was happening and what to do. I led you all to the kitchen, the strongest part of the temple. It was a good decision, because you see we have all survived without any injuries. However, despite my self-control and composure, I did feel a little bit tense-which you may have deduced from the fact that I drank a large glass of water, something I never do under ordinary circumstances."
One of the monks smiled, but didn't say anything.
"What are you laughing at? asked the teacher.
"That wasn't water," the monk replied, "it was a large glass of soy sauce."

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The story goes that a certain court jester went too far one day and insulted his king. The king became so infuriated he sentenced the jester to be executed. His court prayed upon the king to have mercy for this man who had served him well for so many years. After a time, the king relented only enough to give the jester his choice as to how he would like to die. True to form, the jester replied, "If it's all the same to you, my Lord, I'd like to die of old age."

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Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station?

It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.

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Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing.  He'd reach into his nail 

pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. 

The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" 

The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away.  If it's 

pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" 

The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails 

that are pointed toward you!  They're for the other side of the house!!"

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An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. 

The Aggie, says, "Professor, what are you doing?" 

The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish.  You see, if my mind is stronger than 

theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!" 

The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds.  

Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water 

through his gills.

(Do this in front of a mirror for full effect!)

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It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice.  The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University.   He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. 
He replied, "I had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!" His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened.  As was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt.
The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas.  His final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think that tampering with the national air traffic control system
would crash THAT many planes..."  Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened.  The man was released from the chair and allowed to live.
The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M University.  Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words.  He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work."

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It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...? Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?" Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

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This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an ice cream cone." Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one." Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down." Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?" Wife says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles." Hubby replies
"Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember. Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns. The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost." The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted." The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?! Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down." Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there?" To which the wife replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles."

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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."

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The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."

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Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?" Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"

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A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"

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Three lunatics wanted to run away from a mental hospital. The first one passes the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly the same; makes the sound of cat and gets out. The third man then passes near the guard and yells, "I'm a cat too!"

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An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market. At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market. Not to be outdone, the American said, "That's nothing. In the U. S., we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the market for a job!"

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Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

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When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard. We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed, "I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!"

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Scientists say that 90% of all one dollar bills carry germs. Not true! Even a germ can't live on a buck these days.

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System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

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