General
It is just a humour section and does not relate to anyone's
personal life
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car
accident. They go to heaven, and are sitting outside the pearly gates, waiting for St.
Peter to process them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in
Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know,
this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits back down, and waits for a couple of months. They begin to wonder if they
really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"
he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says
the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. St. Peter exclaims, "It
took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to
take for me to find a lawyer!?"
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to
confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your
daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one
who put arsenic in your martini."
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Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a
bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a
stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
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Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam."
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Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
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Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
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Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!
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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You
know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere."
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you
want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong
man."
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just
like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and
the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead,
were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb,
laid it on the bench and walked out.
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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident.
They go to heaven, and are sitting outside the pearly gates, waiting for St. Peter to
process them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St.
Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the
first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits back down, and waits for a couple of months. They begin to wonder if they
really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"
he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says
the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. St. Peter exclaims, "It
took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to
take for me to find a lawyer!?"
-------------------------------------------
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checkes his dossier and says,
"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer
gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it
going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never
have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to
get a lawyer?"
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Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand
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Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
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Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your
husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make
him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you
can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health
completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full
swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the
men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking
with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The
doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since
the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch
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Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
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