Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

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Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

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Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

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Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

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Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

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Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

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Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.

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Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!!
Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

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Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really?
Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

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John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cut your head off.

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Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

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Tom: What's good for excessive wind,
doctor? Doctor: A kite!

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Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz: But I'm the examiner!

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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

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Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.

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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

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A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

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"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

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A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him."

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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

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"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"

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An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

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The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."

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In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

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There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

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A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

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A South African doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery: In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience.

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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts into tears. "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

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A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital. In short, he realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly, he hears someone yelling "Hey you!" looks and finds that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the WASP. "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid."

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Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

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A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

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A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's pissing in the refrigerator again!"

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How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre doctor? He signs his name under "cause of death."

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A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?" "Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery."

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A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor."

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

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The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

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"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

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A patient goes to a Polish doctor: Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup. Seven Days Later: Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough NOW. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.

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A Des Moines, Iowa physician has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women. He tells them that it's a sign of old age.

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An then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

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From Harper's Index: Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57 Number of people who aren't doctor's, but play them in hospitals : 5,840

Not A True Story, But What If ... A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply... "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

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Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're *it*.

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A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back."

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A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons. "Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left."

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